So I had baby #4 eight weeks ago. On top of that it was an unplanned c-section. My body has been distorted into something I don’t even recognize anymore. I have 40 lbs to lose still, my pre pregnancy clothes do not fit me yet, my c-section scar is hidden under a massive “shelf” of skin, and my thighs are inseperable (HAH). I barely fit into my stretchy size 13 jeans. Like… I have to unbutton them when I am sitting. I have to wear compression underwear under shorts or anything that clings to my skin because you can see the massive pooch and skin bulge through my clothing otherwise. And yes… some of that may go away as I continue to get back into shape, but I can say goodbye to low rise jeans for all eternity. Were those ever comfortable to begin with?? I can’t even remember.
Do you know what I did yesterday? I threw away 2 trash bags full of clothing that I had been hoarding for about 9 years. Clothes that I held onto so that I could have a visual reminder of what I used to and what I’m supposed to look like. Every minute I spent not fitting into those size 5 jeans from high school was a minute I was over weight and not the best version of myself. Physically. Do you know how draining that is?
I woke up and had a huge fucking epiphany. Excuse my language. But those size 5 jeans belonged to a 17 year old girl. I’m now a woman with 4 beautiful children. Why in the hell should teenager size pants fit me? Why do I WANT that. I don’t. My hips are wider from giving birth to kids. My boobs are way bigger having gone through 4 pregnancies and nursing babies. I have stretch marks from having created multiple lives inside of me. I have actual real life curves now instead of a teenager figure and that is BEAUTIFUL. And NORMAL. And OKAY.
I just got back from a vacation with my family where I didn’t get into the water with my kids because I was ashamed of what I looked like in my bathing suit. I wore leggings around my family that I hadn’t seen for awhile because I didn’t want them to see my jiggly legs in shorts. So I was uncomfortable the whole time and letting life pass me by because I didn’t think my body was worthy? What is that?
When I took this picture it was my first time trying on new clothes in about a year and definitely my first one since having Ryatt. IT. WAS. HARD. At first… I put on this outfit and my first thought was “THIS IS THE SIZE I HAVE TO WEAR?” my second thought was “my nasty thighs are showing…”. Then I thought “no… this is me. This is just my body right now. This is where I am RIGHT NOW. I still deserve new clothes and I still deserve CUTE clothes. I’m buying it.” My jiggly thighs, stretch marks, huge c section pooch and all.
I’m in no way saying I’m not going to fight to lose those 40 lbs… because I am. I deserve that. My kids deserve a healthy mom. My husband deserves a healthy wife. But I’m not going to stop wearing shorts until I get there. We ALL Deserve to be comfortable. We can ALL wear shorts.
I hated my body when I was 17 and 135 lbs and a size 5.
I hated my body after 3 children and 175 lbs and a size 8.
I’m now 205 lbs and a size 14 after baby number 4… and for the first time I’m making the decision to love MY body.
I will love it now and I will love it when I’m back down to a healthy weight. My body deserves to be loved right where she’s at. She has done exactly what a body should do. And she has done an amazing job.
She has carried me through 26 years,
she has felt every hug and kiss,
she has brought 4 actual humans into this world,
she has heard and endured my distain for her for many many years and taken care of me any ways,
she has changed and warped and molded through so many different stages of life,
and she is a part of me.
She is worthy. I AM WORTHY.
So I will take care of her just as if I were taking care of someone I love and treat her with kindness.
We do not owe the world anything other than ourselves. We don’t owe it a flat stomach, perky boobs, airbrushed thighs, 2 piece bathing suits, or crotch suffocating rompers. You just owe it to yourself and to your body to actually SHOW UP every day… exactly as you are that moment.
Wear the shorts.
You deserve it.